Our God is Faithful . . .

I have not written in a while. Honestly, I feel like taking care of my household and going to work is about all I can do. I think back to a year ago . . . I was training for a half marathon, led a bible study with 2 young women, taught 11th & 12th grade sunday school, and who knows what else. My children were younger then. Isn't it supposed to get easier as they get older. I continue to question why I don't seem to be able to get anything done. I really don't have an answer for that. Maybe my children's increased activity level? Just a shot in the dark. Still no answer . . . I just can't do any more. And that's ok. When everything was fresh with Abigail it was hard to process. We just kept pushing through (a one and two year old can be very helpful with that!) I feel like now, 3 months later, I am processing it. Quite frankly that last couple of weeks have been really hard. I cry often. I watch several friends (who we all found out within a few weeks of each other that we were pregnant) all continue with healthy pregnancies. I am grateful that they do, don't get me wrong, but it is a constant reminder to me that Abigail went to be with our Lord before I ever met her. Just saying that reminds me of my own selfishness. Occasionally I revert back to "why", but quickly remind myself that our God is good and that He is sovereign! I truly do believe that. Mostly I just realize that I have a hurting heart that is still dependent on God to heal it. Speaking of dependence, I, by nature, am pretty terrible at that. I have always been very independent, never struggling with self esteem. Today, that is different. I feel as though I fail at most things. My most heart wrenching failure is that I feel I am not a good mother to my children. Jeremiah is incredibly defiant and testing right now (actually they both have their moments, Jeremiah's are just more frequent.) I could be a much better and more supportive wife. Really, there are days where I feel like I do nothing well. Many would tell me that Satan is feeding me these lies (and that is true to an extent.) But what is greater, is that the Lord is teaching me a true and complete dependence on Him. Dependent on Him to heal my heart. Dependent on Him to parent my sweet little boys. Dependent on Him to be a godly wife. Dependent on Him just to make it from one day to the next (this is a pretty common thing.) I have stepped back and away from many things (and people). But this is ok for a season. The Lord is teaching me and conforming to be more like Him. I (and definitely Todd) might question whether I am learning anything . .. but my prayer is that I do. That I may consider this trial a joy (James 1:2-4)! That He may receive all honor, glory, and praise. That as I grow He may use me for His glory, and His alone. Over the past couple of weeks I have had a patient. She is a sweet lady, even if she complained a lot for the first couple of visits. As we talked, we learned that our lives shared many common experiences. Though different in some ways, we have both seen our husbands through seminary, been a pastor's wife, adopted 2 children, and lost a baby when 5 months pregnant. It is not coincidence that our paths crossed . . . it was through God's sovereign plan. She has been an encouragement to me and a HUGE reminder that my God loves me and has adopted me as His child. He sent her to me as that reminder. Though my heart aches greatly right now (not a day or probably hour goes by that I don't remember that I had hoped to be meeting my baby girl in a couple of weeks), God is faithful. I am so thankful for the gospel and that God chose me! Blessed be the name of the Lord!! This song sums up my thoughts well :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc