So, it's been a few months since I was on here. And even now it is almost midnight, but just a night that I could not sleep for various reasons. So, here I am finally blogging, secretly hoping that it will make me sleepy so I can go lay down and turn off my brain and go to sleep.
In the past 3 months quite a bit has happened. There is a reason that I have not blogged very much. Quite frankly it was due to lack of energy. Normally, that's not an issue with me. Despite having a 1 and 2 yr old and just being busy and on the go all the time I still typically have no problem keeping up. But, something has changed and now I struggle to keep up. For a couple of months I struggled to keep my eyes open for much of the day. At work it became a running joke that by 10AM I would be yawning. I would often think of pulling into our neighborhood on the way home and taking nap before I walked through the door to meet my sweet boys. I often couldn't think straight (still can't) and noticed that I was often so tired that my patience grew very thin . . . especially with those I love the most. I sometimes couldn't eat. I no longer had the energy to exercise and found my time with the Lord being a struggle. I struggled to keep my eyes open and study His Word, even though I desired to do so.
So, exactly what is going on with me? Why the drastic change? My body was changing - in a way that I had never experienced before! As quite a surprise and such an amazing blessing, all of these changes are from me being pregnant!! Todd and I will always remember the day that we found out . .. the shock and somewhat disbelief at first.
After several years of struggling with infertility we had worked through many ups and downs, many tears, many questions, many difficult discussions . . . and had a peace. We knew that our God was sovereign - that He is the One who opens and closes the womb. We had adopted Jeremiah and Joshua . . . and each of them TRULY are such a blessing from the Lord. I could not imagine our lives without them. It still amazes me to look at how God placed each of them with us and how they fit so perfectly. It amazes me at how much those 2 little boys love each other already - they are almost like twins. They don't enjoy being separated . . . even to go to sleep at night!! Todd and I had talked about whether we wanted more children - we had always said yes. Around Christmas, however, I told Todd that yes, I wanted more, but I felt like my head was about to spin off (scary, I know). I felt like our lives were constantly hurried and rushed and with all the extra hustle and bustle of December it just hit me . . . I just want life to slow down a little and enjoy each other. And that was the end of that conversation.
A couple of weeks later we were in the car (this is when Todd and I actually talk) on our way to Rome and Todd told me, "I think you're going to get pregnant." My response, "Uhm, ok. Whatever you think, dear." He continued to tell me that he didn't know why he felt this way, but he did. That weekend we were at a church service in Rome (where Todd got to baptize his nephew Slade) and someone there shared a story of how after not thinking she could get pregnant, she did. And the struggles that they had and so on. It was quite a story of God's grace and blessing upon their life. Of course the story is a little different for Todd and I than for some people since we had struggled with infertility for 6 years. After the service Todd asked me what I thought. The whole time she was talking I had thoughts pop into my head of how I wish that were us . . . but every time I would go back to KNOWING that the Lord is sovereign . . . and how He has given us so much and blessed us SO richly, when we deserve nothing. I am a wretched sinner and deserve death - not to have a God who loves me and has miraculously saved me and blessed me beyond measure. In my mind, if I never got pregnant it truly was ok. Not to say that I would never have difficult moments, but to say that I rest in Him . . . and that is enough. Todd essentially felt the same . . . but remember he still thinks that I'm going to get pregnant!!
It was only a few weeks after this that we found out I was pregnant. I took 2 pregnancy tests just to make sure :) After 6 years the Lord had opened my womb. People often tell us that it is because we adopted and I finally relaxed. Maybe . . . but what I do know without any question is that the Lord opened my womb and allowed that to happen, and to happen in His timing. I do not think that adoption was a magic pill for me getting pregnant - our God is sovereign - He gives and He sustains life!! May we never take His blessings (even those that we think are small or insignificant) for granted!!
