Christmas Eve . . . Not Quite What We Planned

Ok. So, one day I'm gonna get pictures up with my posts, but this one has no pictures. It's Christmas Eve. Most parents stay up getting their children's gifts put together, wrapped, or something of the sorts. Well . . .that is how we started. Todd had gone to get some plywood to put a train for the boys on and I was beginning/finishing wrapping gifts. Yes, I can start and finish in one night. Over the past few years, the Lord has convicted our hearts about our spending/gift giving at Christmas. Truly, we have no needs nor wants. Well, maybe wants, but our wants is what we have been convicted about. Why do I live a comfortable life full of wants and "stuff" rather than using that money to further the gospel and share with those in NEED? We have a LONG way to go here, but none the less, the Lord has convicted us . . . that can make spending money unnecessarily a little more uncomfortable. Anyway, that's not what I intended to write about. So . . . carrying on about our business hoping to get to bed pretty early :) Todd comes home and is carrying the plywood upstairs and then stops and says, "Come look at this!" We saw a HUGE spider web that covered our entire handrail going to our upstairs. INSANE! Then, as we looked closer we noticed tiny spiders in it. A LOT of them. Then, we saw them on the opposite wall. And at the door and blinds at the bottom of the stairs. There were tiny spiders EVERYWHERE!!! SO, at 9:30 we get out the vacuum and start vacuuming it all up (and thankfully our boys slept through this whole thing). Done with that . . . or so we thought. Todd saw more on another wall upstairs. We continued to trace these spiders trying to find the sac they came from. Hundreds, actually maybe THOUSANDS of spiders!! We keep following the trail only to find they started . . . in the Christmas tree!!!!!! AAGGHHHHHH!! So, by now it's 10:30 or 11. We know we have to get the Christmas tree out!! Immediately!! So, on Christmas Eve, late that night, we are dragging our Christmas tree outside in the cold rain. SOOOOOOOO many spiders and webs in it . . . we couldn't even salvage any of the decorations! We finally finished cleaning and wrapping . . . what a night!! Despite the unpleasantness, at least I can say we have a memory, we found them before they COMPLETELY infested the house, and really, we should be thankful for the warm, dry shelter of a house that we have.

The season of Christmas

Christmas!! A time of joy, family, and celebration that our Lord came to earth to be our Saviour. Emmanuel, God with us!! That truly is what it is about, right? All too often I feel the answer to that question is no. Honestly, I can become quite a scrooge this time of year. We go, go, go, and then go go go some more. It is truly one of the most difficult times of year to live out of town from family. I'm already exhausted even as I sit here typing and it's only Dec. 10. I haven't bought the first gift. And I have no idea when I will nor what to buy. Not one free moment between now and mid January. It frustrates me . . . my head feels like it is constantly spinning. I can't help but feel that we get it all wrong. None of these things are bad. Family is great. Nothing wrong with giving gifts. I love to eat and enjoy a good fellowship with family or church friends. The whole month is spent hustling and bustling around to fit everything in. And somewhere in there we fit in Christ. None of us would want to admit that it's that way . . . and I don't want it to be that way . . . but I feel like I'm running in a cogwheel and can't get out. Why can't I change? I'm sure much of the reason is expectations of others. Maybe another reason is exhaustion :) BUT, my desire is simple. To celebrate with thankfulness that God is with us!! That is the one thing I can do . . . celebrate that glorious truth each and every day. Remind myself of that every day (every hour) and from that it will spill out in my speech to others. Lord, please remind me daily.

Jman quotes

This post will be short, but I must write it down so that I will remember and laugh one day. One of my all time favorite quotes by Jman: "Stop growling at me Joshy!" Even to type it makes me laugh. When Jeremiah does something that irritates Joshy he growls at Jman. It's quite hilarious. I really need a video of it!!

Where is the choo choo going?

At the Slade house we are all about some choo choos!! That's what comes with having 2 little boys around! We play with them every day . . . Thomas, Mavis, Percy, the engines . . . etc. Engines are extra special. Every time we drive into town we pass the train tracks and look for engines. If we see the engines it is an extra special day! And the days that we see the engines "pulling", almost nothing can contain the excitement. Some days I get tired of choo choos and would love to play with something else . . . but oh the joy that they bring my little boys. And sometimes the trains can bring such joy to my heart. When Todd was in Brazil back in August, Jeremiah would be playing with his trains and would say, "Mommy! The choo choo is going on a mission trip to Brazil! Where DaDa is!!" And today with Chandler he was playing with his trains and it happened again . . . "My trains are going on a mission trip. Going to China. Like Daddy is going!" What joy this little 2 year old (will be 3 in 5 days!) can bring to my heart. So sweet that he wants his trains to do what his Daddy is doing!! May God continue to sanctify us so that when our children want to be like us, they will in turn, be like Him!!

Planes, Trains, Buses and the Tomahawk Chop

These are all the things that made the day for 2 little boys! About a month ago we had some tickets to a Braves game. Uncle Aaron and Aunt Mae Mae went with us and taught them the "Tomahawk Chop" (and we got to see fireworks)! Ever since then, they constantly ask us to play "the chop" on you tube for them and they will do this over and over and over and over and over and over . . . . They absolutely love it!! We had tickets to go the the game again last night, for Chipper's farewell. Todd had wanted to go, but ended up leaving a day early for China and did not get to go. We were supposed to go with Aunt Kim, Uncle Chris, Savannah and Slade, but they were going Sat night and not so sure about doing it 2 nights in a row. So, I asked my parents to go and still had 3 extra tickets, which Aunt Lisa, Melissa and Andy gladly decided to use. Due to parking we decided to take MARTA. They drove down to College Park and we met them there. College Park is right by the airport. My boys stood in amazement as they watched the enormous planes literally pass right over their heads. They thought that was big stuff. It didn't stop there. Next we got on a train. Nothing compares to choo choo's these days . . . life was grand!! Then, we got on a bus . . . Jeremiah asks me every Sunday that he sees a bus if he can ride. Then to the Braves game to "get their chop on"! It was pure bliss for the 2 little ones. We made it through the game (the braves did lose unfortunately) and what happens on Fridays . . . FIREWORKS!!! It only made the night that much better. Our boys had a blast and we laughed at them much. Joshua was about to fall asleep but would chop every time the music played :) It wouldn't be right to leave out the bus ride from the stadium back to five points, though. We were PACKED on there (not surprised). But so packed that I was standing and holding Jeremiah and nothing else. Nope, I just bounced from person to person as we chugged along turning the corners. I think it may have scarred Jman from riding buses for life!!! All in all, I'm so glad that we went. The smiles on their faces for the entire night was priceless!!

Our God is Faithful . . .

I have not written in a while. Honestly, I feel like taking care of my household and going to work is about all I can do. I think back to a year ago . . . I was training for a half marathon, led a bible study with 2 young women, taught 11th & 12th grade sunday school, and who knows what else. My children were younger then. Isn't it supposed to get easier as they get older. I continue to question why I don't seem to be able to get anything done. I really don't have an answer for that. Maybe my children's increased activity level? Just a shot in the dark. Still no answer . . . I just can't do any more. And that's ok. When everything was fresh with Abigail it was hard to process. We just kept pushing through (a one and two year old can be very helpful with that!) I feel like now, 3 months later, I am processing it. Quite frankly that last couple of weeks have been really hard. I cry often. I watch several friends (who we all found out within a few weeks of each other that we were pregnant) all continue with healthy pregnancies. I am grateful that they do, don't get me wrong, but it is a constant reminder to me that Abigail went to be with our Lord before I ever met her. Just saying that reminds me of my own selfishness. Occasionally I revert back to "why", but quickly remind myself that our God is good and that He is sovereign! I truly do believe that. Mostly I just realize that I have a hurting heart that is still dependent on God to heal it. Speaking of dependence, I, by nature, am pretty terrible at that. I have always been very independent, never struggling with self esteem. Today, that is different. I feel as though I fail at most things. My most heart wrenching failure is that I feel I am not a good mother to my children. Jeremiah is incredibly defiant and testing right now (actually they both have their moments, Jeremiah's are just more frequent.) I could be a much better and more supportive wife. Really, there are days where I feel like I do nothing well. Many would tell me that Satan is feeding me these lies (and that is true to an extent.) But what is greater, is that the Lord is teaching me a true and complete dependence on Him. Dependent on Him to heal my heart. Dependent on Him to parent my sweet little boys. Dependent on Him to be a godly wife. Dependent on Him just to make it from one day to the next (this is a pretty common thing.) I have stepped back and away from many things (and people). But this is ok for a season. The Lord is teaching me and conforming to be more like Him. I (and definitely Todd) might question whether I am learning anything . .. but my prayer is that I do. That I may consider this trial a joy (James 1:2-4)! That He may receive all honor, glory, and praise. That as I grow He may use me for His glory, and His alone. Over the past couple of weeks I have had a patient. She is a sweet lady, even if she complained a lot for the first couple of visits. As we talked, we learned that our lives shared many common experiences. Though different in some ways, we have both seen our husbands through seminary, been a pastor's wife, adopted 2 children, and lost a baby when 5 months pregnant. It is not coincidence that our paths crossed . . . it was through God's sovereign plan. She has been an encouragement to me and a HUGE reminder that my God loves me and has adopted me as His child. He sent her to me as that reminder. Though my heart aches greatly right now (not a day or probably hour goes by that I don't remember that I had hoped to be meeting my baby girl in a couple of weeks), God is faithful. I am so thankful for the gospel and that God chose me! Blessed be the name of the Lord!! This song sums up my thoughts well :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

Abigail Grace Slade

It's been almost 3 months since my last blog post. For starters, I'm just not very good at this whole blog thing, but we have had a lot going on in the past 2 months. Here is just a small glimpse of that. In my last post I wrote about the exciting news of the Lord opening my womb and being pregnant. What a miracle that was and how excited we were. Another thing that I did not include in that post was that we had put our house on the market (to free ourselves up somewhat for the arrival of the baby in October) and to our shock we had a contract on it within 3 weeks. In addition to that, my cousin and his wife had offered to let us borrow their 7 seater vehicle while they were in Hawaii (he is in the military and getting transferred there). It seemed as though everything was working out as we anticipated the arrival of the baby in October. Then, after an ultrasound at one of my doctor's appointments, they sent me to get a high level ultrasound to check my placenta and possibly some fluid on the baby's abdomen. We went for the ultrasound and that is when we got the news that we had never expected. Our baby had a cystic hygroma and hydrops (fluid on the heart, abdomen, lungs, and skull) and was not expected to live. The doctor told us that she probably had Turner's syndrome and with all the complications she would not live to term. They anticipated she would die in the next 4-6 weeks. WOW! That is pretty shocking news that is very hard to hear. We told our families and friends and then tried to process everything. Many things were a blur for a while. I remember trying to make a conscious effort to continue to give our boys as much time and energy as I could muster up. We had to continue living our lives . . . only now we continued with the knowledge that our little girl was very sick. I am grateful for God's grace! Not that a minute of what we were going through was easy, but throughout every moment He sustained us. We KNEW that God was sovereign, that He had ordained all of it. Now we continued to hope that the Lord would heal our daughter - we certainly knew that He could. However, we also knew that He might not. We had said from day one that we would give God all honor and praise . . . in the good and in the bad. We had said it, now we had to live it. Not of our own accord, but through Christ. The days to follow were hard. We had frequent dr appointments and I continued to grow (actually quite fast at this point!) There was no question that I was pregnant. Strangers frequently commented on my pregnant belly, often asking when I was due and if I knew what I was having. Usually I would just answer complete strangers as though everything was normal. Sometimes I did go into more of the details, often I did not. We went to the doctor weekly in hopes to hear our daughter's heartbeat. The day came when we went in and did not hear that heartbeat that we had grown to love. Our daughter had passed away in my womb. I was far enough along that I would go through labor and deliver our daughter. A couple of days later we checked into the hospital to have labor induced. After a rough 22 hours our little girl was born. Abigail Grace Slade. 1 lb 12 oz. She was tiny. Her body was filled with fluid, but she was perfect . . . she was exactly how the Lord had created her. I am beyond grateful and cherish the short time that Todd and I got to hold her on this earth. One of the hardest things I have ever done is watch the nurses take her from the room. At that point we knew that we would never see our daughter on earth again. BUT, we are confident that she is in heaven with the Father now. In a perfect body, never knowing pain or suffering, and worshipping the Father. For her, it could be no better. For us, we will grieve, but we will grieve with a peace knowing that God is still good. I still have days that are hard .. . and I'm sure that I will have many more. We could ask, "why?" We will probably never have a definite answer to that question. What we do know is that the Lord will use this to continue to make us more like Him. To grow our faith, increase our dependence on Him, and ensure that He gets the glory. The gospel has already been shared multiple times because of our Abigail. It may sound as though I don't struggle very much . . . I do. I do not always feel like these things are true. But I praise the Father that His promises and His Word are not based on my feelings. His promises and His Word are true. And the Lord gives grace and sustains. That is what I will cling to. I pray that the Lord will continue to use Abigail, a little girl who never saw daylight, to further the gospel and transform lives. "And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21